Masonic Jokes
Ritual Parrots
A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.
So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.
He said "how much is the one with the masters apron on",
"£2000 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings and will always prompt you when you get stuck",
"No", he said "to expensive",
"what about the one with the MM apron on",
"Well, that one is £1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it",
"no too much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on",
"you can have him for £10",
"why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"
"Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!
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Walkers Talkers & Holymen
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this.
(She) Well how'd it go ?
(He) Very well - most interesting
(She) What did go on ?
(He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
(She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me ?
(He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
(She) What do they do - if you can tell me ?
(He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
(She) and the Holy men ? what of them ?
(He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God
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Masonic Lecture
There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk.
A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
Man: I'm on my way to a lecture on Freemasonry.
Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: From my wife, when I get home!
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Hanging
The victim is being brought to the gallows.
The hangman puts the noose around his neck.
The victim says: "I really can't understand this! The policeman who caught me was a Mason, the persecutor was a Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!"
The hangman replies:
"Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!"
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Halve It
A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links.
When he arrived at the interview he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT handshake).
After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references) the prospective boss asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect.
Our candidate, now feeling very confident said that he would like £200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.
His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."
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Grand Lodge Above
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years.
They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like.
By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.
One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! It’s me, Bill!"
"Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill.
Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
" My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
" Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
" OK, What's the good news?"
" The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?"
" You're the Senior Deacon! "
